When Hawaii's Not an Option -- How to Help Someone Who is Struggling Emotionally

We all know someone struggling emotionally, but we don't always know what to do about it.  Below are some suggestions of "what to do about it."

 

1.  Be grateful that you are aware of the situation.

Emotional battles are often invisible, and many like to keep them that way.  Let the person know that you are grateful to be a part of her life and respect her vulnerability.

2.   Let the person know you are available as a support.

Even if you’ve received secondhand information about the person’s struggle, let her know that you are there for her.  So many times we feel like we’re not helping much if we only say, “Hey let me know if you need anything!”  But when we sincerely said, this offer is powerful to someone dealing with emotional problems.  Don’t feel bad about not knowing exactly what she needs—she may not even know what she needs.  That simple reminder of an offer to help means her support system is growing and getting stronger.

3.   Be willing to listen, but not expecting to listen.

Lots of times people like to talk about their struggles.  And lots of times they don’t.  I’m going to be completely honest here.  Sometimes I intentionally don’t answer phone calls or answer the door because I’m just not up to it.  It’s not you—it’s me.  Don’t feel bad if I don’t feel like talking.  Leave a voicemail or a text saying something like, “Hi!  I was just thinking about you.  Give me a call when you can.”  That way I don’t feel pressured to talk, but I can when I’m ready.  If you sense the person needs to talk, but is having a hard time bringing up the subject, just ask. 
 
4.   Sincerely ask how the person is doing—twice.

“Hi! How are you?” is a greeting far too complicated to respond to when a person is dealing with an emotional issue.  Ask her again, and show her you have a minute to listen.  If you don’t have a minute to listen, just say hi and tell her how good it is to see her.

5.   Give validation.

Feel free to express an experience with your own emotional struggle, or that of someone you know—but don’t use the “someone else has it worse, so you should feel better” card.  Now, this person feels guilt in addition to whatever emotional burden she is already carrying.  Saying someone shouldn’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone shouldn’t be happy because someone else might have it better.  I wish I could say I was the brilliance behind that last thought, but no—the credit goes to some Pinterest genius.

6.  Give affirmation.

Emotional battles are confidence shakers. Kind words are confidence strengtheners.  (There. That sounds a little Pinterest-worthy doesn’t it?)  Freely given affirmation is so important to emotional warriors.  It is so refreshing to hear positive words in contrast to the negativity flooding her mind.  See beyond the struggle and don’t withhold compliments—express them.  Recognize her talent, tell her she’s beautiful inside and out, praise her work, ask her to help you in ways that she can.

7.  Be kind.

Simply be a friend.  Make regular contact, talk about other things besides the struggle, and show you care.  Get out and do things together.  If the person isn’t up to it, try another day.  If she’s still not up to it, try another day. And if she’s still not up to it, try another day.  Seriously.  Send texts and notes, drop by treats, offer to go for a walk or out to lunch, run errands for her—just think of the little things that others do for you that make you smile and do those for others. 

8.  Be a helper, not a fixer.

As badly as we may want to fix it, sometimes we have to realize that the situation can’t be fixed—it can only be relieved.

9.   See beyond the battle.

The emotional struggle does not define her.  It will certainly change her, but it does not make her less good, less deserving, or less adequate. Let her know that.

And then work on getting to Hawaii.