Miracles

As I awoke, the story of the daughter of Jairus came to my mind.  I contemplated the events and emotions of the last four weeks.

I thought of the absolute elation I felt. I thought of how I’d experienced the deepest gratitude I can remember. I thought of the humility that permeated my soul.

And then I thought of the intense heartbreak and confusion that currently chiseled away at me.

I was losing my miracle pregnancy. The one that came as the best surprise of my life. The one that came without fertility treatments. The one that expressed to me the tender love of my Heavenly Father.

When Jesus raised the only daughter of Jairus from the dead, I’m sure it came as the best surprise of the family’s life, and expressed to them the tender love of their Heavenly Father. It was a miracle.

But then I realized that the daughter of Jairus eventually died again—and was not risen. When that happened, did it invalidate the miracle of her rising that had occurred when she was twelve? Absolutely not. And because of Christ, she will be risen again one day in the miracle of the Resurrection.

Likewise, my loss does not rescind my miracle. And it doesn’t cancel the tender love of my Heavenly Father—I am encircled about eternally in the arms of His love. And because of Christ, my heavy heart will rise again one day through the miracle of the Atonement.

Be of Good Cheer

My heart heavy with disappointment, I bowed my head. Don’t You know how much good I could do if I were a millionaire?...Don’t You know that I would be the most amazing mother to seven children if I didn’t have infertility?...Don’t You know how I could change the world without bipolar?...Don’t You know how much time and energy I’d have if I didn’t have to deal with diabetes?...Don’t You know how much I need an answer to my prayer now? I pleaded.

…                            

I know how much good you can do without money…I know that you’re an amazing mother to one of my daughters who needs all of your focus right now…I know you can change the world even with bipolar…I know that you’ll have more time and energy because you’ll focus on your health…I know how much you need an answer, and I know how much more it will mean to you if you work and wait for it…And I love you. Be of good cheer. He responded gently, while forgiving my childish attitude.

Sometimes it’s just so hard to feel God’s love—especially when I’m feeling disappointed. And then I realize that when my sweet daughter is disappointed is when I want her to feel my love most, but she’s so distracted by her own pity party that she often can’t hear what I’m saying—like the time last month when we decided to go on a picnic 45 minutes away. She had excitedly packed her toys, but she forgot to bring them. And she realized it when we were halfway there. She was so disappointed. My heart broke for her. My husband told her she could get a new toy at the nearby dollar store. But she was so distraught she couldn’t hear his kind offer.

When I’m in the depths of disappointment like her, the last thing I want to hear is “be of good cheer,” like I can just flip a switch. But then I realized that in the scriptures, it’s often during very difficult times that the command to “be of good cheer” is given--it’s not when things are all good. For example, it was given when the apostles were sailing on a windy night and seeing something they didn’t recognize out on the water, they were troubled and cried out in fear (Matt. 14:27). Cried out! Be of good cheer isn’t derision, it’s compassion! It’s like the Lord’s way of saying, Chin up. I’m here, and I love you. Trust me.

And then, when we trust Him, miracles happen. In the very next verse, Peter walked on the water.

I’m sure Peter felt utter disappointment when he began to sink, but “immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him.”

Oh the love Peter must have felt! When sinking into disappointment, I’ve found myself crying out to my Heavenly Father, Prove it! Won’t You just prove to me that You love me?

But if I could just “be still and know that [he is] God” (Psalms 46:10) I would remember that He has already have proven His love and stretched forth His hands to save me—just like Peter.

Jesus stretched forth His hands to save me--on Calvary’s hill.

My heart brimming with gratitude, I bowed my head once more.