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If you’re the type who enjoys technical definitions, see the
italicized description below. If you’re
the type who might read it as blah, blah,
blah…just skip it.
“Also known as
manic-depressive illness, bipolar is a brain disorder that causes unusual
shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out
day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar
disorder are severe. They are different
from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time.”
There are 3 types of bipolar disorder. The way I understand it Bipolar I is extreme,
Bipolar II is less extreme, and Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) is
somewhere in the middle. That one is
mine. And here is a bit of what that
means.
I basically rotate through phases of mania, depression, and
a mixed state. Medication makes the
symptoms milder, but especially while we’re still figuring out the best
combination, they’re still there.
MANIA
I don’t know about you, but when I hear “mania” I think of
the looney bin. Or maybe if you’re into
Roman mythology, your first thought is “Oh yeah, that’s the ancient Roman
goddess of the dead.” WHAT?!
Well there’s a perfect example of what mania is like—it’s
distraction, jumping from one idea to another, and having racing thoughts. Those racing thoughts can be trouble. There are times my mind seriously can’t relax
enough to think about one thing at a time.
It’s like when the fairies from Sleeping Beauty switch Aurora’s dress
from pink to blue to pink to blue pink, or like the end of the A Spoonful of
Sugar scene when all the cleaning up gets a little crazy (see this clip at 3:40). Does someone we all know like Disney much? Or like the feeling you
get when someone switches the light switch on, off, on, off, on, off really
quickly. Unless it’s your ridiculously
tall 17 month-old and then you just laugh.
With all of those racing thoughts comes another symptom—taking
on new projects. Oh not just your
everyday projects, and oh not just one at a time. These are MAJOR projects—like trying to build
shutters for the back of the house and de-wallpaper the basement in the same
day. Oh and also in that day: working on
a novel, starting an eighth completely unrealistic business plan, cleaning like
crazy, and taking care of a toddler.
Sometimes I get super obsessive about a project and can’t do or think
about anything else until it’s done, but usually I bounce from project to
project to project and none of it gets done.
Sleeping can be tricky—and it’s not just the racing thoughts
or the need to work on all those projects.
Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night feeling completely
rested, bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed. Then
I have to remember how important sleep is—especially for us bipolar people.
Another symptom of mania is impulsivity and engaging in high-risk
behaviors. There are times when I feel an
urge to spend a lot of money, but fortunately I can recognize that it’s not
okay and keep that one in check. My
dreams are crazy when I’m manic. Crazy I say. And I’m sure everyone—including me!—is
grateful all my super wild behavior is not happening in real life.
I feel so restless when I’m manic (and not just the restless
like I don’t need to sleep)—it’s like I’ve got to find something BIG I can do
to change the world. I know all you
sweet people out there will tell me that my most important contribution to
society is my family and the person that I am.
When I’m manic though, I can’t see that.
I can’t see that I’m having an unrealistic belief in my abilities--I
feel like it’s my responsibility to single-handedly positively impact all of
humanity and I need to figure out how to do it, but it’s so frustrating that I
can’t. That is restlessness.
During a manic phase I feel overly happy (weird that that’s
even possible), overly energetic (who wouldn’t want that?), and overly
productive (which also seems very desirable).
Unfortunately there can be too much of a good thing. As attractive as
that all sounds—the higher the high, the deeper the low. But sometimes the lows don’t reflect the
highs—sometimes I can go from feeling somewhat even to feeling down, down,
down.
DEPRESSION
I’ve been in a long depressive phase lately. I’m so grateful that I can say that it’s a
phase, and that it’s not something that’s going to last. My heart breaks for those who experience
full-time depression. It is not pleasant.
Basically, when I’m depressed it’s just that—sadness,
hopelessness, loss of interest in everything, low energy, etc. I feel like I’m just dragging all the time
and sometimes it is seriously all I can do to leave the bed in the morning—or on
those days—late morning. I really feel
like I’m constantly carrying a weight—like a heavy backpack. And often I am
even sore. For a couple of days this
week I was so irritable, like way beyond pms irritable. It was the only feeling I could feel and I
was even irritated at myself for feeling irritable!
Another extreme symptom is thinking of death. I’m not going to dwell on this, but it needs
to be said that this a very real, and thankfully rare, part of depression that
has happened to me and I am so grateful that both times I’ve been able to step
back and realize what was going on.
When I’m depressed, sometimes get a lot of anxiety—like I
did a couple of weeks ago. Not just, “Oh
I’m so nervous about speaking in public.”
It’s more like feeling like something terrible has happened, having a
lump in my throat, and feeling sick to my stomach. There were several days when my anxiety was so
severe, I was throwing up. My anxiety
gives me frequent disturbing thoughts, and for me, my dislike of the dark goes
to total fear of the dark. Sometimes bipolar people experience manic or
depressive psychosis. Thank heaven I don’t
regularly experience that, but during this episode I did. I woke up during the night and had a
sensation that hundreds of young children were coming into my room and pulling
on the covers asking me to help them. If I have to experience psychosis, I
think I’d rather experience the manic kind where they say you feel like a
famous person or have special powers or something.
Oh man. Now we really
need to talk about something happy. So,
when all of this was happening, I received a priesthood blessing and since then
I’ve been able to keep my food down, and although I’m still in a depressive
phase, my anxiety has dramatically decreased.
I am so grateful.
MIXED STATE
For me, mixed states usually last a couple of days or so. I never knew this was possible before
experiencing it, but during those times, I honestly cannot distinguish happy
from sad. It’s not that I feel numb, or that I feel up then down then up--it’s
that I feel really happy and really sad at the same time. I wish I could compare it to something more
relatable, but it’s just confusing. I
guess it’s kind of like the color purple.
It’s a combination of red and blue, but you can’t see them separately.
______________________________
Now to end on a happy note, here’s a little something that
made me smile yesterday.
While we were driving Abbey and I were jamming out to “Frosty
the Snowman.” Then we got out of the car and she pointed to the ground. She
smiled and started singing “Snow-oh, snow-oh, snow-oh…”
