My heart heavy with disappointment, I bowed my head. Don’t You know how much good I could do if I were a millionaire?...Don’t You know that I would be the most amazing mother to seven children if I didn’t have infertility?...Don’t You know how I could change the world without bipolar?...Don’t You know how much time and energy I’d have if I didn’t have to deal with diabetes?...Don’t You know how much I need an answer to my prayer now? I pleaded.
…
I know how much good
you can do without money…I know that you’re an amazing mother to one of my
daughters who needs all of your focus right now…I know you can change the world
even with bipolar…I know that you’ll have more time and energy because you’ll
focus on your health…I know how much you need an answer, and I know how much
more it will mean to you if you work and wait for it…And I love you. Be of good cheer. He responded gently,
while forgiving my childish attitude.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to feel God’s love—especially
when I’m feeling disappointed. And then I realize that when my sweet daughter
is disappointed is when I want her to feel my love most, but she’s so
distracted by her own pity party that she often can’t hear what I’m saying—like
the time last month when we decided to go on a picnic 45 minutes away. She had
excitedly packed her toys, but she forgot to bring them. And she realized it
when we were halfway there. She was so disappointed. My heart broke for her. My
husband told her she could get a new toy at the nearby dollar store. But she
was so distraught she couldn’t hear his kind offer.
When I’m in the depths of disappointment like her, the last
thing I want to hear is “be of good cheer,” like I can just flip a switch. But
then I realized that in the scriptures, it’s often during very difficult times
that the command to “be of good cheer” is given--it’s not when things are all
good. For example, it was given when the apostles were sailing on a windy night
and seeing something they didn’t recognize out on the water, they were troubled
and cried out in fear (Matt. 14:27). Cried out! Be of good cheer isn’t derision,
it’s compassion! It’s like the Lord’s way of saying, Chin up. I’m here, and I love you. Trust me.
And then, when we trust Him, miracles happen. In the very
next verse, Peter walked on the water.
I’m sure Peter felt utter disappointment when he began to
sink, but “immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him.”
Oh the love Peter must have felt! When sinking into
disappointment, I’ve found myself crying out to my Heavenly Father, Prove it! Won’t You just prove to me that You
love me?
But if I could just “be still and know that [he is] God”
(Psalms 46:10) I would remember that He has already have proven His love and
stretched forth His hands to save me—just like Peter.
Jesus stretched forth His hands to save me--on Calvary’s
hill.
My heart brimming with gratitude, I bowed my head once more.
