The Shepherds' Gift

At the time of Christ’s birth, there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. I imagine them as passionate, practiced, and prepared protectors able to skillfully stave off any threat to their flock.  But when the angel of the Lord came upon them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them…the were sore afraid.  Sore afraid.  Not simply startled.  Not just frightened.  They were painfully afraid.  They experienced a fear so strong that they ached.

Then the angel delivered a beautiful message. “Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.”  The angel’s words calmed them.  In moments, the shepherds’ panic was transformed to peace, and because of one sentence, their fear became faith as they discovered the Gift.

“And this shall be a sign unto you,” the angel continued, “Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.”  Just picture the shepherds’ excitement when they realized that not only was the savior finally born, but that they would be some of His first witnesses!  With eagerness they embraced the Gift, leaving their treasured sheep and came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger.

It’s there that the story usually ends.  But in the next verse we learn of the shepherds’ gift to that precious babe:

And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.*

The shepherds’ gift to the newborn Savior was sharing the message that had brought them such peace in the midst of their anguish.

That same message also brings me peace when I need it most.  It’s the message that makes my hopes and dreams of eternal life with a perfected body and mind possible.  It’s the message that tells me I can receive forgiveness, and it’s the message that tells me that I will be with those whom I love most forever. I truly believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior given to all people by our magnificent God who so loved the world. 

*Luke 2:17

Grateful for Ungiven Gifts

With bright eyes my two-year-old daughter emerged from the basement, her arms full of play kitchen accessories.  She dropped them on the floor, picked out a little rolling pin, and waved it in the air with delight.

“Look Mommy!  Pink roller!  My pink roller!” 

She had found part of her Christmas present.  Oh no.  How could I take something away from her that brought her such joy?  My eyes brimmed with tears as I took the rolling pin, scooped up the plastic pots, pans, and spatulas, and ran downstairs, stashing them in a better hiding spot while she stood completely confused in the kitchen.  When I came back up, I gave her a hug, told her that she couldn’t have those toys yet, and tried to console her with an old toy. 

Oh I felt like such a mean mom. 

But little did she know that I’ve been eagerly scouring the internet for weeks to find the perfect play kitchen, finally found it, have it hidden away, and I can’t wait to give it to her.  I have so much more in store for her than a little pink rolling pin!  My heart broke as I realized that she doesn’t know that.

She is unaware of all the ungiven gifts that await her…

As we are unaware of all the ungiven gifts that await us.

Last week I felt a little like my toddler standing so confused in the kitchen.  A couple of months ago, I accepted an opportunity to go back part-time as a writer for the public relations firm I’d worked at before Abbey was born.  I would have to wait a couple of months for some work issues to be settled, but I was thrilled with the chance to use my skills and have more adult interaction. It seemed like just what I needed.  Well, suddenly in the midst of settling those issues, the company closed.  I felt like someone had stolen my little pink rolling pin!

But now I realize that there are ungiven gifts that await me.  There’s something better in store.

I’ve been thinking about that little play kitchen and wondering if I did the right thing.  What if, instead of taking away the accessories, I had led her to the main Christmas gift right then and there? The timing wouldn't have been right. 

My then future husband was 29 when we happened to sit next to each other at a church fireside. I said hello and asked for his name and he asked for my number.  Over the next year, we fell in love and were married.  In our LDS culture, most people marry in their early twenties, not their early thirties, and I'm sure my husband had wondered what was wrong with him.  Nothing was wrong with him---it was me.  I hadn't grown up yet.  On that spring evening we sat next to each other, I was only 19.  Now, almost eight years later, it's clear to see that the Lord arranged to give us the gift of each other as potential spouses as soon as He possibly could--as soon as I was ready.

Later, we struggled for three years to have a baby. Finally after some fertility treatments and thirty-six negative pregnancy tests, we conceived.  Again, the Lord arranged to give us a beautiful gift just as soon as He possibly could. Those three years were so hard for me, but now I realize that we needed that time of being a family of two to strengthen our relationship and prepare for what would follow the birth of our little sweetheart--my postpartum depression and the onset of my bipolar disorder. 

As bright as my daughter’s eyes were at the thought of having her very own rolling pin, I can’t wait to show her that there’s so much more, and that with disappointment and loss comes hope.  I truly believe the Lord has countless ungiven gifts awaiting each of us and He enthusiastically waits for just the right moment to grant them in a way so that our eyes will light up just like a child’s on Christmas morning.

Your Best is Enough

When I was in 5^th grade, I competed in the state spelling bee.  You miss a word there and you remember how to spell it forever—like the word tendril—which of course, now seems like the easiest word in the world to spell. However, I felt like I’d done my best, and I enjoyed an amazing experience wearing the prettiest dress I’d ever owned.  

I’ve always struggled with perfectionism, but fortunately as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that it can often prevent progress, and that as my editor aunt used to say, “done is better than perfect.” But since life with bipolar, I have really struggled to recognize when I’ve done my best, and when I could maybe do a little bit more. 

It’s probably because “doing my best” is so vastly different depending on the day.  Some days, doing my best means great gospel study, entertaining a two-year-old, cleaning the entire house, working out for an hour, making someone’s day, doing yard work, and throwing together a gourmet dinner.

But some days, doing my best means getting out of bed. 

And on those days I try to remember this gem of wisdom from Elder Russell M. Nelson: “Men are that they might have joy—not guilt trips!”

A quote by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin also eases my mind: “To do what I can is all my Heavenly Father now requires of me.  And it is all He requires of you…The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be.  And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step…We don’t have to be fast, we simply have to be steady.”

I was lucky enough to compete in the state spelling bee again in 6^th grade, but this time the jitters got the best of me and I missed the word colossal.  Not so happy memories. Why?  Because I’d wanted to do THE best, not my best—and in focusing on that, I forgot all about the amazing experience it was to simply be there.

So it is with life.

We all want to do THE best—but by focusing on that and everyone else around us, we often miss the amazing experiences that are ours.

Elder Wirthlin also spoke of John Wooden, who was “perhaps the greatest college basketball coach in the history of the game.  He had four full undefeated seasons.  His teams won 10 national championships.  At one point, he had a streak of 88 consecutive wins.

One of the first things Coach Wooden drilled into his players was something his father had taught him when he was a boy growing up on a farm. ‘Don’t worry much about trying to be better than someone else,’ his father said. ‘Learn from others, yes. But don’t just try to be better than they are.  You have no control over that. Instead try…to be the best that you can be.  That you have control over.’”

And here’s the thing, the best has already been done by our Savior.  He set the perfect example of doing your best and that included the help of Heavenly Father, increasing gradually in wisdom, rest and meditation, and the help of friends. 

As long as I’m trying to follow His example, somehow he fills in the entire gap where I fall short—no matter how big that gap is. That’s why on the good and not-so-good days—and all the ones in between—my best is enough. 

Like a Broken Crayon

“Broken! Broken!” my two year-old said with worried eyes as she held up a little stub of orange crayon.

“But it’s okay,” I tried to explain.

I thought about my psychiatrist appointment a few days earlier, where the doctor had with a broad smile, proclaimed me “stable.”  That word meant my next appointment would be in three months instead of the three to six week schedule I’d been on for more than a year. And thankfully it meant no drastic medication changes.  I had breathed a sigh of relief, returning her smile as my eyes brimmed with grateful tears—but that word didn’t take away the fact that I still felt broken.

But it’s okay. Those words echoed in my mind.

I suddenly realized that I, and everyone else who feels a little broken, is like that bright little piece of crayon.  Changed, yes, but still able to fulfill its purpose through The Artist.

There’s a story that I heard several years ago that illustrates this point. 

A water bearer in India had two large pots which he carried at each end of a pole across the back of his neck.  One pot was perfect, but the other had such a crack in it that by the time the man arrived at his master’s house, it had leaked out half of the water it was supposed to hold.  After a time the cracked pot spoke to the man at the stream and said, “I’m ashamed of myself and want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the water bearer.

“I’m only able to deliver half of the water that I’m supposed to because I leak.  I’m broken.”

The man filled the cracked pot with water and said, “But it’s okay. As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

As they went up the hill, the cracked pot cheered up as it looked upon all the beautiful wildflowers on the side of the path.  But at the end of the road, the pot realized it was half empty and again apologized.  The man said to the pot, “Did you notice that flowers were only on your side of the path?  That’s because I knew about your flaw.  I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you water them for me.  I pick those flowers to decorate my master’s table.  If you were not just the way you are, he would not have such beauty to grace his house.”

That my friends, is why being broken is okay.  It’s because there is Someone who knows our potential—even with our flaws—and wants us to succeed.  No matter how broken we may be, we are complete when we partner with our Savior, Jesus Christ.

And as I swirled that broken orange crayon along the paper, showing my daughter that it was okay, I smiled as she broke into laughter.

Broken

by Kenneth Cope

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day
Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
Could it be that God loves broken things?

Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me
To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ till His name feels broken in

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things

And yet our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name, my God loves broken things.

Windex for the Soul

You looked in the mirror this morning. Let’s just say you didn’t see exactly what you wanted to see. 

And let’s be honest—you started thinking about everything you aren’t and everything that everyone else seems to be.  You wanted to have a peek into your friends’ mirrors—the ones who are going on fantastic vacations, the ones who are having babies, the ones who are the superheroes of the neighborhood, the ones who take care of perfect yards, the ones who run marathons, the ones who are blogger extraordinaires, the ones who are so talented there’s nothing they can’t do, and the ones who do all that and more and still manage to be the mom every kid wishes for. 

And there you are seeing just about the opposite of everything you want to see in your own mirror…

~

One of my favorite movies, My Big Fat Greek Wedding has a running joke about Windex--the plain blue glass cleaner-- fixing “any ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy.”

“Put some Windex on it,” Toula’s father is always saying in his thick Greek accent.

Well my friend, it’s time to put some “Windex” on it—the kind for the soul with five simple ingredients:

1.      Kindness

Do something nice that you don’t have to do.  Pick up some trash, leave some nice comments on Facebook, make a phone call to an old friend, send a text just to say hi, take the neighbors cookies...Wait—don’t get overwhelmed.  Just deliberately do one nice thing per day and see what happens.

2.      Remembrance

Remember who you are—not just now, but remember who you were like 100 years ago. Try –really– hard.  There you go…that’s it.  Can you believe that’s who you are?! And remember, in a moment when you feel like no one loves you, and it’s hard to even love yourself—remember that you are the result of the love of thousands. Think about that next time you look in the mirror.

3.      Enjoyment

Spend time doing something simply because you enjoy it.  Play the piano—not to perfect a song, but to feel it.  Write—not to be published, but simply to bring peace. Read, listen to music, watch TV, color, paint, go shopping, or cook.  Just find something to do every day for even only a few minutes for pure enjoyment.

4.      Recognition

We all love praise and recognition and there never seems to be enough of it.  It’s okay to give it to yourself!  A powerful form of self-affirmation is writing down all of those good little things you do that no one else knows about—just keep a journal.  Or simply write a ta-da list at the end of the day even if it doesn’t include everything you started with on your to-do list.

5.      Nature

Watch a sunset, listen to the birds, look at the sky, feel the grass between your toes, stop and smell the roses, go for a hike, drive through a canyon and stop at an overlook. Take a little time every day to enjoy this beautiful world.

~

And then you realize your mirror is dirty. All those imperfections and shortcomings are actually smudges, splashes…and who knows what. 

So my friend, spiffy up your mirror and smile.

 

How to Become Grateful No Matter What

I heard this thought-provoking quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf a few weeks ago in this beautiful talk about the power of gratitude in any circumstances:

“How much of life do we miss by waiting for the rainbow before thanking God for rain?”

 

When I heard that, I immediately realized that I am a "rain, rain go away" singer, and definitely a rainbow waiter.  Saturday it rained all day.  I was disappointed about staying inside and expected my toddler to be too, but she was thrilled about all the things we could do inside.  She reminded me that when some opportunities are lost, different—and sometimes better—opportunities are received.  Throughout the day, she pointed out the window and cheerfully exclaimed, “Rain! Rain! Rain!”  We looked together at everything coated in water and I marveled at how much bolder the usual colors looked.  There was no arching rainbow like I would have loved to show her, but the spring greens were more vibrant, the purples richer, and the yellows even more brilliant.  And I thanked God for the rain, realizing also how much more vibrant my life is with metaphorical rain.

 

I’m coming to learn that gratitude is action before it is attitude.  These actions are helping me to become grateful no matter what:

 

Eliminate Entitlement

Greed is the opposite of gratitude, and it starts with a sense of entitlement.  There’s a story by Aesop about a goose that laid golden eggs—one egg per day.  The farmer eventually got tired of waiting for the eggs and decided there must be dozens of golden eggs inside the goose, and demanding immediate gratification, he killed the goose.  There were no eggs inside her, and no more would ever be laid.  When we feel entitled to a rainbow, we miss the beauty and practicality of the rain. Eliminate entitlement—all it takes is empathy and humility, which as C.S. Lewis said is “not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”

 

Give to be Grateful

Author Elizabeth Bibesco wrote, “Blessed are they who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.”  Givers are grateful.  Maybe it’s because service helps them to forget their own problems.  Maybe it’s because doing things for others makes them more aware of what is done for them.  Or maybe it’s because giving connects us, helping us to realize how dependent we are on each other.  Give no matter what—all it takes is making someone smile.

Quit Comparing

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt said.  I’m coming to learn that when we compare ourselves to others, oftentimes we’re comparing ourselves to someone wearing the same jersey.  We’re all on the same team.  That means that when one person succeeds, it doesn’t diminish our success! 

Sometimes when it’s raining, it’s easy to compare our current situation to past or future sunshine.  Those are and will be good times—but dwelling on those leads us to lose focus on our beautiful purpose in the present.  Quit comparing—all it takes is remembering who you really are.

 

See Surprises

See the beautiful surprises God has given you, and consider His joy when he sees your joy. Remember the rainbows you didn’t have to search for. See surprises—all it takes is counting the blessings you’ve been given without even asking for them.

 

Let God be God

This may be the hardest—it requires being still, trusting your unknown future to an all-knowing Heavenly Father, and remembering that no matter how heavy the downpour, the rain is always temporary.

 

And as the rain falls, do everything you can to let the light into your storm—because seeing rainbows takes rain, light, and the right perspective.

What Easter Means to Me Now

I felt down on Wednesday morning and decided to go for a walk in the sunshine in an attempt to cheer myself up.  I loaded my sweet little toddler into the stroller and she began to wave and say hello to everything she saw—dogs and bugs included.  The blossoming trees were fragrant, the tulips and hyacinths were so bright and colorful, the birds were singing, and suddenly I was sobbing.  All I could think about was stepping in front of a car.  Fortunately, I realized that this was not rational thinking.  I kept walking, frightened that if I stopped something terrible would happen. Tears streamed down my face as I called my husband who was nearly an hour away at work.  He immediately sped home, and in the meantime we each desperately called neighbors to come to my rescue.  In a beautiful tender mercy, my friend Emily who is usually at the gym at that time had for some reason decided to stay home and do yard work that day.  She picked me up, took me to her house, and started chatting—distracting me from my awful thoughts.

Long story short, my husband spent the day by my side.  I called my psychiatrist who immediately got me on some Zyprexa which put me into a deep sleep and took the edge off.  I saw him the next day and we realized that the Wellbutrin I’d been on for the last 2 ½ weeks had made things worse—much worse.  We raised my Zoloft dose and added Abilify and for the last four days I’ve felt a million times better.

Asking for help is hard for me—even in such an urgent situation.  I would much rather be the one to give service than to ask for it.  But then I remember something I recently learned in my scripture study.  When Jesus Christ suffered for our sins in Gethsemane, he set a powerful example for us.  He, the only perfect person to walk the earth, sought help—three times—from his friends under His heavy burden.  He was completely capable of shouldering it alone, but He desired companionship and He asked for it. (Matt. 26:38-43)

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I received the diagnosis that will impact my family and me for the rest of my life. This week we also celebrate the anniversary of events nearly 2,000 years ago that impact my family and me forever…

 

I believe that my Redeemer lives, and Easter has a new significance for me now.  Because of Him, I know that despite how utterly limited I feel some days—one day I will be “breathtakingly perfect in body and mind.” 

And in the meantime…

Because of Him, my life has direction and purpose.  He is my example and I find happiness and peace when I try to be like Him by doing good and by taking time to be holy.

Because of Him, my best is enough.  No matter how much I fall short, He makes up the difference—again and again and again.

Because of Him, I can let go and know that everything is going to eventually be okay.

And because of Him, today I went for another walk on a beautiful spring day—my heart brimming with gratitude and hope.