My Diagnosis

I have Bipolar Disorder (manic-depressive).  I'm still learning about it myself, but basically it means that I Am Still Caitlin and that I experience extreme happiness (manic) and extreme sadness (depressive).

The hospital therapist explained to me that when someone who has bipolar is taking Zoloft (which I was at a pretty high dose for my postpartum depression), the manic side is enhanced.  So that explains why I was feeling so awesome and being ridiculously productive--and having a hard time sleeping.  Doesn't sound so bad, right?  But with every high there is a low, and the low comes viciously without warning.  They say the biggest problem with bipolars is that they stop taking their medication-- either because they're feeling good or because they miss the mania.  Yeah, I can see myself missing the mania.  But my motivation to stick with my meds is to remember that when my bipolar grandma paved her yard in concrete, dressed as a clown, or sympathetically bought all of the broken dolls at the DI, it was because she wasn't taking her medication. The mania is not worth the crash.

My Symptoms

Elevated mood, depressed mood (mania and depression)

Anxiety

High activity

           I've always been a go-getter, but during the last few months I have been more productive than usual--kind of like going 120 in a 75 mph zone.  It's really fun, but probably not a great idea.

Hypersensitivity

           I was overly empathetic, extremely sensitive to violence, and seemed to feel every emotion very intensely.

Racing of thoughts, jumping quickly from one idea to another

Easily distractible

          I would take on like 5+ MAJOR projects all at the same time and none of them would get finished and then I'd add another one.  I always felt like I needed a lot of things to be working on.

Hopeless, helpless, low self-esteem

Change in eating, sleeping, or other daily habits

          Within the last few months, I could eat like nobody's business.  It's almost like I would binge and then not eat for hours and then binge but still not feel satisfied.
           If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I had a hard time going back to sleep.  Like it would take me 2+ hours to go back to sleep.  I didn't feel super tired when I woke up; it was just mildly annoying.

The other day while I was in the hospital I had some songs from "Tangled" (one of my favorite movies!) stuck in my head.  I suddenly realized why I relate so well to Rapunzel. 

She exhibits bipolar characteristics in her morning routine!

"Seven A.M., the usual morning line-up: Start on the chores, and sweep 'til the floor's all clean. Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up; Sweep again and by then it's like seven fifteen--And so I'll read a book--Or maybe 2 or 3.  I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery. I'll play guitar and knit and cook and basically just wonder, when will my life begin? Then, after lunch, it's puzzles, and darts, and baking, paper-mache, a bit of ballet, and chess, pottery and ventriloquy, candle-making, then I'll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb, sew a dress! And I'll re-read the books If I have time to spare.  I'll paint the wall some more--I'm sure there's room somewhere. And then I'll brush, and brush, and brush, and brush my hair..."

And then after she leaves the tower...

I can't believe I did this! I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I did this! Mother would be so furious.
That's okay, I mean, what she doesn't know, won't kill her, right?
Oh my gosh, this would kill her.
This is so fun!
I am a horrible daughter; I'm going back.
I am never going back!
I am a despicable human being.
Woo hoo, this is the best day ever!

Flynn Rider (to a crying Rapunzel): You know, I can't help but notice you seem a little at war with yourself here...