The Bi-Polar Post

I've entitled this post as such because it simply contains ups and downs.  So if you don't like what you're reading, skip ahead a few lines.  : ) My experience with bi-polar reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, Little Women: "Change comes as surely as the seasons, and twice as quick.  We make our peace with it as best we can."

The last 2 1/2 weeks have been filled with good times and sad times--much like yours, I'm sure.  And even co-existing happiness and sadness, where I'm happy yet on the brink of tears.  I had to look that one up--it's called a "mixed state." 

~*~  

 

Let's start with the good stuff--

• I've been making happy memories in the daily details of life with Greg and Abbey and many friends and family. 
• Abbey's first steps at exactly 10 months were perfectly soundtracked by music from the The Piano Guys.  They were as delighted by that as I was when they heard the news from my parents who know Jon Schmidt. 
• I attended Women's Conference at BYU and fortunately spent the day with two lovely ladies from my ward who I happened to run into, by no mere coincidence I'm sure.  I signed up for that conference months ago just for something different to do, and little did I know how much I would need it last week.
• We saw The Croods.  Not to be confused with "crude."  It is an excellent movie with beautiful messages. 
• We toured the prison where my dad directs the substance abuse rehab program.  I was impressed by all of the efforts that go on to help criminals re-enter society as contributing citizens. Especially interesting to me-- one of their activities is family history.  There are libraries where they can research ancestors and index names for others.  Prisoners have indexed hundreds of thousands of names for family history work.
• Greg and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday.
• The sun has been shining generously.

Some good stuff I learned at Women's Conference:

• "Each one is Jesus in disguise." -Mother Teresa
• Service and being served allows us to be taught lessons that we could not learn any other way. 
• I worked hard for a long time to become a mom.  It's okay to look like one.
• It is our healing, not our perfection that inspires people.
• My body (including its infertility, mental illness, strength, health, intelligence, etc.) is custom built for my spirit by an all-knowing God.
• Our Heavenly Father has confidence in us.  He knows we can do this.  He lets 8 year-olds (who can't even blow their own noses) make baptismal covenants with him!
• Do not measure God with Satan's stick.
• The Lord doesn't start loving us when we check off obedience points.
• When you find it difficult to love someone, focus on loving God.
• Love people, especially your spouse, intentionally--not if it's convenient.
• The scriptures have many purposes, but if it's difficult to find motivation for daily study, focus on the ULTIMATE reason Heavenly Father has given them to us--to feel His LOVE.  That's all.  Simply feel His love. (Jacob 3:2)
• Think about the way your life has been impacted by others studying the scriptures.

And now, the not so good stuff.  Feel free to skip to the end of this post for a video which has given me strength and inspiration.  I hope it does the same for you.

~*~ 

A few people have suggested that I must feel so much relief to finally have a diagnosis to explain what I've been feeling.  Much to the contrary.  I had postpartum depression/anxiety.  It was temporary.  Bi-polar is for the next 100 years.  And that's why I'm learning it's so important to take things one day at a time--which is really hard for a girl who's always been looking forward.  Forward seems so uncertain right now.

Some of my mania lately has been in the form of a million home projects, hobbies, business plans, etc. that I would really like to do, for some crazy reason think I can do all at the same time, and of course in all practicality I can't.  Just to give you an example of what this is like, my ideal summer plans would include painting the back of the house & adding shutters, having a yard sale, painting the basement, sewing a quilt, selling chocolates at boutiques, starting a staycation website, planning a family reunion, designing five years' worth of scrapbooks, running a 1/2 marathon, and writing a novel.  Oh wait.  Did I mention that's THIS week's list?  Although I can recognize it's completely undoable, I still feel compelled to do it.  All of it.  Now.  And so I work on pieces of it here and there and feel as if I'm accomplishing nothing and worry a little bit about what this might be like when Abbey stops taking naps.

Some of my mania is in the form of insomnia--but with the help of sleeping pills and a self-set bedtime that one seems to be more under control.  I'm not going to lie though-- it can be tempting to skip those pills to have more time to work on my manic list.

Some of my depression has been in the form of a lack of motivation (I know, weird right, when I want to do all of those things?), feeling sad for no particular reason, and just feeling "blah".

~*~ 

I did feel like my medications were working the first couple of weeks, but now I'm not so sure. I've been feeling quite up and down and not quite myself.  I've also been having some occasional tingling in my hands and feet which I figure is probably a side effect.  It's not much more than annoying, but I did want to make sure it wasn't dangerous.  So a couple of weeks ago I called the hospital that prescribed my meds and the wild goose chase went something like this:

Hospital:  I'm sorry, but you're not actually a patient of ours anymore so we really can't address those types of issues.
Me:  I received the medication from you.  You have my file. 
Hospital: Since you've been released, you're under the care of your psychiatrist.
Me:  I'm still waiting to see my psychiatrist.  He doesn't know my case yet.
Hospital:  Well give him a call.

Psych. Office:  We haven't even seen you yet.
Me: I know, but the hospital said that they can't do anything about it.
Psych. Office:  Until you actually see us you are under their liability.

Hospital:  Call your pharmacist.

Ok....

Pharmacist: It looks like all of the medications (Zoloft, Seroquel, Trazadone, Topamax, occasional Ativan) you're taking could cause that side effect.  Or it could be diabetes.  Good luck.

Fabulous.  He finally convinced me that I'm not in any real danger.

~*~ 

People have been very real with me as far as what to expect through this journey.  And as hard as these things are to hear, I'd rather know than be unpleasantly surprised or carry on with false hope. 

• I will gain weight because of the medications I'm taking.  Even if I eat well.  Even if I exercise.
• This is a daily battle. One day at a time. Every single day.
• Future hospital stays are not out of the question.
• Sleep is essential and naps are good.
• It will be hard for me, for Greg, and for our families.
• Everything will eventually be okay.

Ok-- back to the good. :)