Why Weight is Not Worth the Worry

The messages are everywhere—plastered all over the world like a gaudy array of cheap rhinestones. 

Be thin. No excuses.

And if by some fortuitous circumstance, you happen to be happy with your body…

Don’t you dare gain weight.

We like to blame Hollywood and the fashion/beauty industry for these messages, but the truth is they come blaring at us from all types of media, public service announcements, the fitness industry, and even from the medical world.

It is not okay to be heavy.

And then we perpetuate these terrible ideas in our own mind.

I will be happier when I’m thinner.  I will be more attractive if I’m thinner. I’ll be a better friend, wife, mother, sister, and daughter if I’m thinner. I’ll like myself more when I’m thinner. I’m not taking care of myself if I’m not thin. When I’m thinner, I won’t feel guilty about being heavy.

Well don’t you dare listen.  Those are LIES!

At times I've believed and felt all of those terrible ideas--especially the guilt. That guilt intensified when I recently worked hard to lose 18 pounds and then gained 10 back.  I felt so guilty that any time I thought about my weight, I threw up—not because I wanted to—that’s just how awful my anxiety about it was. Last week my doctor prescribed a new medication to treat my bipolar and told me to be very careful because it's likely to cause weight gain.  And honestly, I cried.

In my desperation for peace, I’m gratefully learning the TRUE messages—the ones that should be scattered across the world like precious jewels—the messages that remind me that weight is not worth the worry. 

Your body enables your spirit to feel and experience the world in a way it couldn’t alone—and you don’t have to be thin to do that.

You are blessed to have a body.  I love this children’s song that talks about looking at the blue, blue sky…feeling the rain on your face, or the wind as it rushes by…touching a velvet rose…seeing butterfly wings…and hearing the magical sound of things. You do not have to be thin to do any of those things.  Being thin will not increase your ability to enjoy the beauty of the world. It will not make gorgeous sunsets more mesmerizing.  It will not make your favorite song sound even more amazing.  It will not make freshly cut grass smell even sweeter, nor will it make the taste of cool water even more satisfying--but being grateful for your body (thin or thick) WILL.  As author Melody Beattie wrote, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.”

Your body is meant for so many more things than to be attractive.  So many more things.

Let’s be honest here.  The main reason people want to be thin is to be attractive, sexy, hot, or whatever you want to call it.  We want to be admired by others.  Now think about the people you admire most.  Is it because they are thin?  No.  So why would we want that for ourselves? 

Most of those in my list of favorite people are not thin.  I admire them because they use their bodies to serve and cheer others up.  They use their bodies to make others feel loved and admired.  They use their bodies to develop and share their talents and to accomplish their personal goals.  Those are the people I admire. But in making people happy, they don’t neglect themselves.  They wear nice clothes that fit, they have great hair, nails, and makeup.  They simply follow the advice of one good mother to her daughter, “Do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others.” (Read more beautiful words about the body here.)

Someday your body will be perfect.

When you listen to all of those stupid cheap lies about being thin, you start to think being heavy is a choice—the result of laziness.  The truth is that it usually is NOT a choice.  Some bodies are just not designed to be thin. Some bodies deal with medical conditions that make working out nearly impossible.  Some bodies deal with weight that naturally accompanies certain medical conditions, and some bodies need medications that can cause weight gain.

But one day those bodies will be perfect—“breathtakingly perfect in both body and mind”.  
(See more here and verse 44 here.)

In the meantime, in reminding myself that weight is not worth the worry, I’ve made the following my motto:

Eat well. Exercise. Accept.

When Hawaii's Not an Option -- How to Help Someone Who is Struggling Emotionally

We all know someone struggling emotionally, but we don't always know what to do about it.  Below are some suggestions of "what to do about it."

 

1.  Be grateful that you are aware of the situation.

Emotional battles are often invisible, and many like to keep them that way.  Let the person know that you are grateful to be a part of her life and respect her vulnerability.

2.   Let the person know you are available as a support.

Even if you’ve received secondhand information about the person’s struggle, let her know that you are there for her.  So many times we feel like we’re not helping much if we only say, “Hey let me know if you need anything!”  But when we sincerely said, this offer is powerful to someone dealing with emotional problems.  Don’t feel bad about not knowing exactly what she needs—she may not even know what she needs.  That simple reminder of an offer to help means her support system is growing and getting stronger.

3.   Be willing to listen, but not expecting to listen.

Lots of times people like to talk about their struggles.  And lots of times they don’t.  I’m going to be completely honest here.  Sometimes I intentionally don’t answer phone calls or answer the door because I’m just not up to it.  It’s not you—it’s me.  Don’t feel bad if I don’t feel like talking.  Leave a voicemail or a text saying something like, “Hi!  I was just thinking about you.  Give me a call when you can.”  That way I don’t feel pressured to talk, but I can when I’m ready.  If you sense the person needs to talk, but is having a hard time bringing up the subject, just ask. 
 
4.   Sincerely ask how the person is doing—twice.

“Hi! How are you?” is a greeting far too complicated to respond to when a person is dealing with an emotional issue.  Ask her again, and show her you have a minute to listen.  If you don’t have a minute to listen, just say hi and tell her how good it is to see her.

5.   Give validation.

Feel free to express an experience with your own emotional struggle, or that of someone you know—but don’t use the “someone else has it worse, so you should feel better” card.  Now, this person feels guilt in addition to whatever emotional burden she is already carrying.  Saying someone shouldn’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone shouldn’t be happy because someone else might have it better.  I wish I could say I was the brilliance behind that last thought, but no—the credit goes to some Pinterest genius.

6.  Give affirmation.

Emotional battles are confidence shakers. Kind words are confidence strengtheners.  (There. That sounds a little Pinterest-worthy doesn’t it?)  Freely given affirmation is so important to emotional warriors.  It is so refreshing to hear positive words in contrast to the negativity flooding her mind.  See beyond the struggle and don’t withhold compliments—express them.  Recognize her talent, tell her she’s beautiful inside and out, praise her work, ask her to help you in ways that she can.

7.  Be kind.

Simply be a friend.  Make regular contact, talk about other things besides the struggle, and show you care.  Get out and do things together.  If the person isn’t up to it, try another day.  If she’s still not up to it, try another day. And if she’s still not up to it, try another day.  Seriously.  Send texts and notes, drop by treats, offer to go for a walk or out to lunch, run errands for her—just think of the little things that others do for you that make you smile and do those for others. 

8.  Be a helper, not a fixer.

As badly as we may want to fix it, sometimes we have to realize that the situation can’t be fixed—it can only be relieved.

9.   See beyond the battle.

The emotional struggle does not define her.  It will certainly change her, but it does not make her less good, less deserving, or less adequate. Let her know that.

And then work on getting to Hawaii.

A Glimpse Into My Bipolar Life

 

If you’re the type who enjoys technical definitions, see the italicized description below.  If you’re the type who might read it as blah, blah, blah…just skip it.

“Also known as manic-depressive illness, bipolar is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.  Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.  They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time.”

There are 3 types of bipolar disorder.  The way I understand it Bipolar I is extreme, Bipolar II is less extreme, and Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) is somewhere in the middle.  That one is mine.  And here is a bit of what that means.

I basically rotate through phases of mania, depression, and a mixed state.  Medication makes the symptoms milder, but especially while we’re still figuring out the best combination, they’re still there.

MANIA

I don’t know about you, but when I hear “mania” I think of the looney bin.  Or maybe if you’re into Roman mythology, your first thought is “Oh yeah, that’s the ancient Roman goddess of the dead.”  WHAT?!

Well there’s a perfect example of what mania is like—it’s distraction, jumping from one idea to another, and having racing thoughts.  Those racing thoughts can be trouble.  There are times my mind seriously can’t relax enough to think about one thing at a time.  It’s like when the fairies from Sleeping Beauty switch Aurora’s dress from pink to blue to pink to blue pink, or like the end of the A Spoonful of Sugar scene when all the cleaning up gets a little crazy (see this clip at 3:40).  Does someone we all know like Disney much? Or like the feeling you get when someone switches the light switch on, off, on, off, on, off really quickly.  Unless it’s your ridiculously tall 17 month-old and then you just laugh.

With all of those racing thoughts comes another symptom—taking on new projects.  Oh not just your everyday projects, and oh not just one at a time.  These are MAJOR projects—like trying to build shutters for the back of the house and de-wallpaper the basement in the same day.  Oh and also in that day: working on a novel, starting an eighth completely unrealistic business plan, cleaning like crazy, and taking care of a toddler.  Sometimes I get super obsessive about a project and can’t do or think about anything else until it’s done, but usually I bounce from project to project to project and none of it gets done.

Sleeping can be tricky—and it’s not just the racing thoughts or the need to work on all those projects.  Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night feeling completely rested, bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed.  Then I have to remember how important sleep is—especially for us bipolar people.

Another symptom of mania is impulsivity and engaging in high-risk behaviors.  There are times when I feel an urge to spend a lot of money, but fortunately I can recognize that it’s not okay and keep that one in check.  My dreams are crazy when I’m manic. Crazy I say. And I’m sure everyone—including me!—is grateful all my super wild behavior is not happening in real life.

I feel so restless when I’m manic (and not just the restless like I don’t need to sleep)—it’s like I’ve got to find something BIG I can do to change the world.  I know all you sweet people out there will tell me that my most important contribution to society is my family and the person that I am.  When I’m manic though, I can’t see that.  I can’t see that I’m having an unrealistic belief in my abilities--I feel like it’s my responsibility to single-handedly positively impact all of humanity and I need to figure out how to do it, but it’s so frustrating that I can’t.  That is restlessness.

During a manic phase I feel overly happy (weird that that’s even possible), overly energetic (who wouldn’t want that?), and overly productive (which also seems very desirable).  Unfortunately there can be too much of a good thing. As attractive as that all sounds—the higher the high, the deeper the low.  But sometimes the lows don’t reflect the highs—sometimes I can go from feeling somewhat even to feeling down, down, down.

DEPRESSION

I’ve been in a long depressive phase lately.  I’m so grateful that I can say that it’s a phase, and that it’s not something that’s going to last.  My heart breaks for those who experience full-time depression.  It is not pleasant. 

Basically, when I’m depressed it’s just that—sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest in everything, low energy, etc.  I feel like I’m just dragging all the time and sometimes it is seriously all I can do to leave the bed in the morning—or on those days—late morning.  I really feel like I’m constantly carrying a weight—like a heavy backpack. And often I am even sore.  For a couple of days this week I was so irritable, like way beyond pms irritable.  It was the only feeling I could feel and I was even irritated at myself for feeling irritable!

Another extreme symptom is thinking of death.  I’m not going to dwell on this, but it needs to be said that this a very real, and thankfully rare, part of depression that has happened to me and I am so grateful that both times I’ve been able to step back and realize what was going on.

When I’m depressed, sometimes get a lot of anxiety—like I did a couple of weeks ago.  Not just, “Oh I’m so nervous about speaking in public.”  It’s more like feeling like something terrible has happened, having a lump in my throat, and feeling sick to my stomach.  There were several days when my anxiety was so severe, I was throwing up.  My anxiety gives me frequent disturbing thoughts, and for me, my dislike of the dark goes to total fear of the dark. Sometimes bipolar people experience manic or depressive psychosis.  Thank heaven I don’t regularly experience that, but during this episode I did.  I woke up during the night and had a sensation that hundreds of young children were coming into my room and pulling on the covers asking me to help them. If I have to experience psychosis, I think I’d rather experience the manic kind where they say you feel like a famous person or have special powers or something. 

Oh man.  Now we really need to talk about something happy.  So, when all of this was happening, I received a priesthood blessing and since then I’ve been able to keep my food down, and although I’m still in a depressive phase, my anxiety has dramatically decreased.  I am so grateful.

MIXED STATE

For me, mixed states usually last a couple of days or so.  I never knew this was possible before experiencing it, but during those times, I honestly cannot distinguish happy from sad. It’s not that I feel numb, or that I feel up then down then up--it’s that I feel really happy and really sad at the same time.  I wish I could compare it to something more relatable, but it’s just confusing.  I guess it’s kind of like the color purple.  It’s a combination of red and blue, but you can’t see them separately.

______________________________

Now to end on a happy note, here’s a little something that made me smile yesterday.

While we were driving Abbey and I were jamming out to “Frosty the Snowman.”  Then we got out of the car and she pointed to the ground.  She smiled and started singing “Snow-oh, snow-oh, snow-oh…”

Dirty Laundry

 

I am so grateful for the outpouring of love and support I’ve received from so many.  You are so kind.  Sadly, there are those who feel my announcement to the world of being bipolar through the ideal opportunity of an 8 Things You Might Not Know About Me Facebook post is “airing dirty laundry”—something best kept private.

And to those I say pish posh.  You are looking through dirty windows, my friends.  (See the fantastic video below.)

Mental illness is NOT dirty laundry!  But while we’re on the subject, there are a few things I’ve come to know about dirty laundry in the last nine years I’ve been washing it.  (Thank you Mom for doing the first 17 years!)

1.       Dirty laundry is a result of living.

And if you never have any laundry to wash, you must be wearing the emperor’s new clothes in a world where everything is spring meadow fresh.  The dirtiest clothes make for the best stories—like the time a service project turned into a mud fight, or the time I ran the Dirty Dash, or the time I painted my living room Sweet Honey Yellow.  The same goes for life—truly living makes for the best stories, even if those stories aren’t joyous.  Even sad and difficult stories can have a positive impact, which brings me to my next point.

2.       Everyone seeks tips and tricks.

As we all do laundry, we share ideas of what works to remove certain stains.  Once in a while we might be able to share what we’ve heard will make it better.  More often, the best way we can help someone remove those stains is to have worked through that stain ourselves.  That is why it is so important to be open about our struggles—we all need help with our laundry.  When we were dealing with infertility, some of my greatest support came from those who had experienced or were currently experiencing the same longing.  We each had different details, but to some degree we knew what it was like to deal with that laundry.

3.       If we threw it all into a pile, we’d want ours back.

My parents like to say that if everyone took all of their problems and threw them into a pile so we could pick out something different, we’d each run to the pile to get our own back.  The grass stains are not always lighter on the other side of the laundromat.

4.       Everyone is so much more than their dirty laundry.

What a sad world it would be if we defined people by the spots on their clothes and the spots in their lives.  Sure, one or two or three shirts may have a spot, but look at all the rest of that person’s laundry!  Look at the PERSON wearing that laundry. When I worked at A&W in high school, I’m sure a lot of people could have seen me in my uniform and said wow… look at that ice cream all over that girl’s apron, or eww check out that grease stain, but I hope they realized I was more than a fast food worker.  The greater part of me was a singer, a writer, an actress, a scholar, a volunteer—but what really defines me is my soul.  Souls are so much more than spots or stains.

5.      Dirty laundry is not going to stay that way forever.

Somehow, someday that laundry is going to be clean again.  Maybe not right now, but eventually, and through the grace of God those spots and stains will be removed. How grateful I am.

 

 

Making Sunshine

Since this whole thing started in April, I've been working on figuring out the right medications and the right dosages.  And while they keep me from being constantly manic, sometimes I feel too down.  I didn't realize how down I was though, until my new psychiatrist suggested Latuda. It's new on the market and just this summer was officially approved to treat the depression side of bipolar. What a miracle. Regular anti-depressants aren't good for bipolar because they actually enhance the mania, leading to the higher likelihood of a major crash but this one doesn't.  (Hahaha... I totally sound like one of those prescription commercials, don't I?!)

I started taking the sample packs of Latuda the doctor gave me and almost immediately could tell a difference.  I felt lifted.  I had more energy and I was so happy.  And I didn't feel manic-- restless or like I had to do a million things at once, or like I didn't ever have to sleep, and when I did sleep I didn't have crazy promiscuous party-it-up dreams.  I felt like me.  An even better version of me than I remembered.  Ah, Latuda.  It is EXACTLY what I need. 

And then I went to fill the prescription.  The one my insurance doesn't cover.  The one I can't get financial assistance for because I have insurance.  The one that costs $635 a month. 

Well, at least when it goes generic in six years, I know what works.  So... now I'm tapering down from my happy pill...at the onset of winter.  And ordering my tickets to Hawaii, or Southern California, or Arizona--just anywhere sunny and warm.  Okay, so really I'm doing the next best thing--ordering full spectrum lights to trick my heart into feeling like we're in Hawaii.  Hopefully.

In the meantime I like to think of other ways to make sunshine and listen to this tender mercy of a talk from God through Elder Holland:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng#watch=video

Hope

Yesterday I felt like myself for the first time. And it was wonderful.  I have missed myself--the "myself" I knew a long, long time ago who is even better now with the benefit of current understanding.  I have been so anxiously awaiting her return.  (Haha... now it sounds like I've got split-personality disorder going on or something, huh?)

My little darling's first birthday is approaching in a few weeks and I've been reflecting.  I've been lucky enough to catch a glimpse of  "miracles I never would have seen from the ground."  I remember two years ago--after 3 years of infertility--wondering if I would ever, ever even have a child.  My faith was shaken.  I'd never really had any reason to doubt-- but at that time I was definitely doubting.  I didn't want to, but I couldn't help feeling betrayed.  Now I can clearly see that I was not betrayed.  I was blessed.  I was blessed to have that extra time to experience life without bipolar.  I was blessed with extra time to strengthen our marriage.  And...I needed that extra time to learn to trust God----to let Him be God. 

This song speaks to my soul.  My beautiful heartbreaks may not be "as bad" as someone else's, but they are mine.  When I watch this clip I'm reminded of my mother's wisdom--she always says that if we all decided to throw our problems into a pile so we could choose different ones we'd all rush back to pick ours back up.

I'm so grateful that every once in a while we get a glimpse of the view we're working toward, and I'm looking forward to seeing what can be seen from the top of the bipolar mountain.  :)

The Bi-Polar Post

I've entitled this post as such because it simply contains ups and downs.  So if you don't like what you're reading, skip ahead a few lines.  : ) My experience with bi-polar reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, Little Women: "Change comes as surely as the seasons, and twice as quick.  We make our peace with it as best we can."